To say anxiety is a mental illness is a huge understatement, in my opinion. It takes hold of your entire body, your heart racing, body shaking, lungs racing to simply breathe.
I have struggled with anxiety as long as I can possibly remember. I thought I had it all figured out, until I found out we were expecting twins. My whole pregnancy was plagued with extreme anxiety of how on earth I, as a first time mom, would mother two tiny infants all at once. Once they were here, I struggled with postpartum depression, but eventually that seemed to wane.
I thought I was free of it, as I began to get more confident in my skills of mothering twins, and how every day the depth and ferociousness of my love for my babies grew, until I realized I was just getting used to anxiety.
Recently I came to realize that not only does anxiety play a huge roll in my every day life, it severely effects how I am able to be a mother, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. It drives Kyle insane. I have to plan out every single waking moment of our days, or I feel myself slipping into a craze of anxiety. I plan right down to what we're going to do when the girls go to bed. Are we going to watch a show together? Are we going to make popcorn? Am I just going to clean? Are you going to play video games? What are we going to do first? These are some of the questions I ask Kyle every single night after the girls fall asleep. If we don't have plans to leave the house that day, I am a puddle on the floor. The thought of winter terrifies me, because going on a walk will be nearly impossible. How on earth will I entertain the girls for a whole. entire. day?! Plan plan plan. My heart is in a constantly racing. Am I making the right choices for my family? Should I go back to work and abandon this whole owning a shop thing? Let's just move to Maui, there must be no anxiety there.
Deep breath. This might just seem like a bunch of word vomit on a page, but my brain needed to be unleashed. I write this to let my feelings out, because I believe that is how we grow. But I also write this to help someone else feel less alone in a world where we post more of the beautiful and less of the ugly. This is the ugly in my life right now. The rest, well the rest is so incredibly amazing I can hardly believe I've been so blessed. But this, this is my ugly. This is not a cry for help or attention, it just is, how I write about my happy, I'll write about my sad. This is life. This is growing a little love. This is anxiety.
I hope you are well, and if you're not, let it out. You'll feel better, promise.